Dating After Divorce - Fiftysomething Edition

Ah, dating, after divorce, in one's fifties...

I've spent a lot of time reflecting on what I'm looking for in a partner, and reflecting on why I would even want a partner.

The "why" is relatively easy.  I get desperately lonely.  Perhaps now that I'm divorced and my son is mostly grown, things are catching up with me - a lifetime of not having close friends, not being comfortable meeting people, choosing to sit alone in public (but then overjoyed on those rare occasions when someone sits beside me).  That stuff adds up to eventual loneliness.  Understanding this, well, it doesn't make it any easier for me to break through any of those things.

The "what" I'm looking for in a person, that's difficult.  And I don't see it happening, if I do figure it out, so I sometimes wonder the point of figuring it out.  I suppose at my core, I remain an optimistic romantic, which makes it all worth figuring out.

I'm on a small number of dating sites, and it's amusing to see all the women's profiles in which they describe what they like to do with their time, and post pictures to prove it.  Almost invariably, there's a pic of them hiking, a pic of them fishing, a pic of them wearing a sports jersey (usually the Indianapolis Colts, in my area).  Maybe a picture of them hunting, standing by a large pickup truck, or straddling a Harley.  Clearly all the stuff they think their future big strong man is gonna want them to like.  Do they like these things?  Maybe, but in some of those pics it's clearly the first time they've ever held a fishing pole.  Am I the man they are looking for?  Not if those things are true interests (except for hiking, and watching the Colts, both of which I'm totally down for).  It's a weird and fake world.

I remember that feeling of seeing someone and being instantly overwhelmed by something about her.  Usually her smile, or eyes.  Of course I'm mature enough to realize that that path really doesn't go anywhere, if there's no substance behind the eyes - "yes, you have pretty eyes, but it turns out you are an awful person".

Before I married, a billion years ago, I'd never really had a serious relationship.  A small number of things that may or may not have counted as "dates".  Certainly not a serious girlfriend.  Since my divorce, three dates, no relationships.  While married, obviously no girlfriends. although there were a few women over the years I adored from a small distance.  Generally they were lesbians, so I somehow didn't feel too bad about liking them.  My three dates since divorce were with lovely people, no doubt, but for me they were 1) awkward, 2) awkward, and 3) awkward.  I'd blame it on the women, but the common factor in all three dates was "me", so...

I'd like to find...

- Someone to hold my hand - on the sofa, in the car, walking down the sidewalk. God that's so basic, yet it brings tears to my eyes.
- Someone who's really smart, but not an asshole about it.
- Someone who's shorter than me (because I'm shallow about that, and am a hobbit).
- Someone who is into big band music enough to support the fact that I lose about two Sundays a month to jazz band gigs in Evansville.
- Someone who can teach me stuff.  Like knitting, or cooking, or small engine repair, or philosophy.
- Someone who loves to listen to all sorts of music, but not Country.
- Someone who's a leftist, not a Democrat, and knows the difference.
- Someone who is complete, and doesn't need me to make her a whole person.
- Someone who isn't afraid to cry.
- Someone who likes people (in general - some people truly are deplorable).
- Someone who also likes low-key (non touristy) travel outside the USA.
- Someone who understands what I mean when I say I don't understand the social dance around dating/relationships in the "dating scene".  As a result, someone who is assertive, and not offended by the fact that I'm not.  Don't mistake lack of assertiveness for a lack of 😈 or a lack of 😍.
- Someone who's into 51 year old men who aren't pickup-truck-driving hunter-types: I'm fairly short, well educated, Socialist/Catholic, moved to tears easily by the oddest of things, think deeply and feel passionately, and really DO like to sit in coffee shops and talk or read (I have witnesses).

I watched a video lecture recently in which the guy offered his thoughts about relationships that kind of balance a little romanticism with a healthy dose of practicality.  He described things that sounded very good, and very rewarding.  However, it also leaves me as lost as ever, as far as actually finding a partner who is interested in me and worth my interest as well.  I believe I HAVE mastered his related point about accepting that I'm fundamentally crazy. :)

I don't know, this is just a bunch of impotent rambling and self-pity, perhaps, as usual.

The Apostolate of the Laity

From the Second Vatican Council's Decree on the Apostolate of Lay People: "Wherever men are to be found who are in want of food and drink, of clothing, housing, medicine, work, education, the means necessary for leading a truly human life, wherever there are men racked by misfortune or illness, men suffering exile or imprisonment, Christian charity should go in search of them and find them out, comfort them with devoted care and give them the helps that will relieve their needs. This obligation binds first and foremost the more affluent individuals and nations."

This is what I believe. I've rarely seen it presented so concisely and thoroughly. This paragraph leads DIRECTLY to my beliefs on universal healthcare, education of my fellow man (including education of those in prison), the treatment of veterans and refugees, and the taxes to be paid by the wealthy.

Why I Believe the Arizona Real Estate Market Has Not Yet Hit Bottom

The Arizona real estate market is already crashing to a degree not generally seen in most other states, and I believe one or two factors will soon make the housing market absolutely implode.

Arizona's growth, in many ways, was based on growth, which is an inherently shaky deal. People were coming here for jobs building houses for people who were coming here. The place was growing because the place was growing, which calls to mind an image of a dog chasing its tail, for some reason.

Anyway, the result of the rapid growth was that real estate in the greater Phoenix area saw tremendous, rapid appreciation. People were signing contracts to build new houses with no intention of ever living in them OR renting them out. Rather, people (investors from out of state, in many cases) would lock in the price, have the home built, and then sell it OVERNIGHT for gains of $40k-$50k.

Obviously this was all a house of cards, ready to fall apart, and of course it did. Over the past 36 months, most homes have lost close to 50% of their "value". That already sounds pretty bad, but it's not my point.

Many of the loans to buy these homes in 2005-2006 were interest-only ARMS that have since reset to higher rates, leaving many people in homes they never should have bought, with payments they can't possibly afford, and are now losing to foreclosure. Now it sounds even worse, but it still isn't my point.

Other people have lost their jobs. Some of these people had poorly-chosen loans, and some of them had nice 30-yr fixed rate loans that even the most conservative of advisors would have liked. Doesn't matter - lose your job, lose your home to foreclosure. Now it sounds REALLY bad, but it STILL isn't my point.

Here's the thing. Unlike most other states, Arizona has some pretty comprehensive "anti-deficiency" laws. Several cases have made their way up the appelate courts in AZ, so the interpretation of these laws has been clarified quite a bit by the courts. And here's what it boils down to, for most homeowners: If you lose your home to foreclosure, and if your loans were "purchase money", then your lenders can NOT pursue you afterwards for any losses they were unable to recoup by foreclosing and selling your home. If you owed $100k on your home, but the bank only sold your home for $80k, too bad for the bank - they can't do anything to recover the $20k.

What about the people who bought a $500k home by taking out an 80% loan (for $400k) and a 20% second loan ($100k), bringing $0 to closing? BOTH of those loans are covered by the anti-deficiency statutes.

Wow - is that my point? Are these laws what is pushing the foreclosure rate so high? NOOOOO! And THAT is my point. These laws are not publicized on TV, or on the radio, or in the local papers. The general man-on-the-street believes the following: "Gosh, my house is only worth $200k right now and I owe $390k on it; if I were to sell it, I would have to bring a check for almost $200,000 to the closing, just to get away from my house."

Imagine what will happen when people like that guy begin to realize that if they walk out of their homes and stop making payments, all they will lose is the house. They will have lousy credit for 7 years because of the foreclosure. However, they will NOT be forced into bankruptcy, they will not have to "sell their stuff", and they will not ever have to pay back that $200k (in the example I used).

Right now most of the foreclosures are people who took out stupid loans, or lost their jobs, or for whatever reason are "losing" their homes. However, if people become aware of the laws in AZ, you will start to see a TON of people who just choose to walk away - people for whom it becomes a business decision, a chance to improve their financial position by $100k-$200k-$300k at the cost of "having bad credit" for seven years. At this point most people still seem to worship their FICO scores, but I predict that may change. VERY, VERY SOON.

The foreclosure rate in Arizona is already staggering, but if this news catches hold (and I expect it will, at some point), homes will be worth next to nothing. The house that was worth $400k in 2006 will be worth about $50k.

This Just IN: Just Say No

I've thought a lot about this since the election.  I think I'm going to just say no to news for a while.  No more TV news, no more websites like CNN.com, no more political discussion forums, no more newspapers, no more National Public Radio, for at least the next several weeks.  Please stop the bus so I can step off.

Michael Bolton?

"Tell me, how am I supposed to live without you?  Now that I've been loving you so long..."

Oh, sorry.  I was singing a Michael Bolton song to my house.  I can barely believe we've been here for more than six years now, not even counting the time between when we signed the construction papers and when we got to move in.  This is by far the longest I've lived anyplace except the house where I grew up; I lived in that one for about 22 years.  But as for the others (not counting dorm rooms or other college lodging)...

• House where I was born: less than 2 years
  
• Fairview Street in Loogootee: 2 years and 4 months
• Bellgrade in Loogootee: 2 years
• Post Horn Court in Columbus: 3 years and 6 months
• Windsor Road in Gerrards Cross, UK: 16 months
• Bray Road in Maidenhead, UK: 19 months
• Iroquois Trail in Columbus: 12 months
• Apartment on Coronado Street, Chandler AZ: 10 months 

No wonder I've grown accustomed to this place, accustomed to its face.  It's like home, even though I despise Arizona and the horse it rode in on.

"Obama Biden Palin" - We can almost use those letters to spell "Osama bin Laden".  We are missing one "s", and we have a few letters left over: b, p, and i.  "S" is the 19th letter of the alphabet; b is the 2nd, p is 16th, and i is the 9th.  If we add up our leftover numbers, we have 2+16+9=27, and if we subtract our missing "s", we have 27-19=8.  Eight equals 2 to the 3rd power, and what is 2x3?  Exactly: it is 6.  Just like 666, the number of the beast.  You see?  You see now?  Is it clear what path you must take?   Good.  Go forth, and bring me back the prime factorization of John McCain, on a silver platter.

Dog Days of Summer

I haven't written anything in a while, and I'm not sure why.  I think maybe I've just been too busy being deeply homesick.  At this point in the summer, I'm just tired, all the way through, and ready for it to be over.  And I guess there's also the knowledge that soon it will be that part of the year when I miss Indiana the most, when the leaves turn colors and the bite of cold is in the air.  I don't ever feel that chill in the air here until February, and by then I know that what's coming isn't snow, but 90-degree days much too soon.

This has been an odd summer and fall.  Every since RUME4 class ended in May, I've felt... disconnected.  From everyone and everything.  I didn't realize the role that course sequence was playing in holding me together with my colleagues, but I guess it was.  We said at the time that "one of these days we will really miss this exchange of ideas", but I certainly never thought it would be quite this soon.  Absent that, it's hard to focus.  I know this is the point at which a lot of PhD students flame out, but that knowledge doesn't make it much easier to fight the urge.

One Year

Today (or yesterday, since now it's after midnight) was the one year anniversary of my old high school friend Shannon's death at the age of 40, just a few weeks shy of turning 41.  It was cancer, which she battled for the last several years of her life.  I don't know if her two daughters ever knew her as "not sick".

Sure, I hadn't seen her in AGES, since the early 1990s, but it was nice to know she was out there being a wonderful wife and mother.  For one year now, the world has been a little emptier without her spark in it.  I'm sad for her husband and her two kids, none of whom I've ever met.  How has the year been for them, I wonder.  My own mother was taken at about that same age, but it was sudden, in the blink of an eye.  Would I have wanted her to hang on, miserably fighting a battle that she could not win, just so I could see her more?  I don't know.  I feel for Emma and Lauren, and for Scott, who had to be devastated to see his beloved wife fight so hard for so long.

And most of all, I remember my old friend Shannon, and hope she is at peace, free of pain at last, and able to somehow see her daughters as they grow.

With all the ways I've abused myself over the last 25 years, how can I be outliving so many beautiful people?!?  It makes no sense at all.