Ah, dating, after divorce, in one's fifties...
I've spend a lot of time reflecting on what I'm looking for in a partner, and reflecting on why I would even want a partner.
The "why" is relatively easy. I get desperately lonely. Perhaps now that I'm divorced and my son is mostly grown, things are catching up with me - a lifetime of not having close friends, not being comfortable meeting people, choosing to sit alone in public (but then overjoyed on those rare occasions when someone sits beside me). That stuff adds up to eventual loneliness. Understanding this, well, it doesn't make it any easier for me to break through any of those things.
The "what" I'm looking for in a person, that's difficult. And I don't see it happening, if I do figure it out, so I sometimes wonder the point of figuring it out. I suppose at my core, I remain an optimistic romantic, which makes it all worth figuring out.
I'm on a small number of dating sites, and it's amusing to see all the women's profiles in which they describe what they like to do with their time, and post pictures to prove it. Almost invariably, there's a pic of them hiking, a pic of them fishing, a pic of them wearing a sports jersey (usually the Indianapolis Colts, in my area). Maybe a picture of them hunting, standing by a large pickup truck, or straddling a Harley. Clearly all the stuff they think their future big strong man is gonna want them to like. Do they like these things? Maybe, but in some of those pics it's clearly the first time they've ever held a fishing pole. Am I the man they are looking for? Not if those things are true interests (except for hiking, and watching the Colts, both of which I'm totally down for). It's a weird and fake world.
I remember that feeling of seeing someone and being instantly overwhelmed by something about her. Usually her smile, or eyes. Of course I'm mature enough to realize that that path really doesn't go anywhere, if there's no substance behind the eyes - "yes, you have pretty eyes, but it turns out you are an awful person".
Before I married, a billion years ago, I'd never really had a serious relationship. A small number of things that may or may not have counted as "dates". Certainly not a serious girlfriend. Since my divorce, three dates, no relationships. While married, obviously no girlfriends. although there were a few women over the years I adored from a small distance. Generally they were lesbians, so I somehow didn't feel too bad about liking them. My three dates since divorce were with lovely people, no doubt, but for me they were 1) awkward, 2) awkward, and 3) awkward. I'd blame it on the women, but the common factor in all three dates was "me", so...
I'd like to find...
- Someone to hold my hand - on the sofa, in the car, walking down the sidewalk. God that's so basic, yet it brings tears to my eyes.
- Someone who's really smart, but not an asshole about it.
- Someone who's shorter than me (because I'm shallow about that, and am a hobbit).
- Someone who is into big band music enough to support the fact that I lose about two Sundays a month to jazz band gigs in Evansville.
- Someone who can teach me stuff. Like knitting, or cooking, or small engine repair, or philosophy.
- Someone who loves to listen to all sorts of music, but not Country.
- Someone who's a leftist, not a Democrat, and knows the difference.
- Someone who is complete, and doesn't need me to make her a whole person.
- Someone who isn't afraid to cry.
- Someone who likes people (in general - some people truly are deplorable).
- Someone who also likes low-key (non touristy) travel outside the USA.
- Someone who understands what I mean when I say I don't understand the social dance around dating/relationships in the "dating scene". As a result, someone who is assertive, and not offended by the fact that I'm not. Don't mistake lack of assertiveness for a lack of 😈 or a lack of 😍.
- Someone who's into 51 year old men who aren't pickup-truck-driving hunter-types: I'm fairly short, well educated, Socialist/Catholic, moved to tears easily by the oddest of things, think deeply and feel passionately, and really DO like to sit in coffee shops and talk or read (I have witnesses).
I watched a video lecture recently in which the guy offered his thoughts about relationships that kind of balance a little romanticism with a healthy dose of practicality. He described things that sounded very good, and very rewarding. However, it also leaves me as lost as ever, as far as actually finding a partner who is interested in me and worth my interest as well. I believe I HAVE mastered his related point about accepting that I'm fundamentally crazy. :)
I don't know, this is just a bunch of impotent rambling and self-pity, perhaps, as usual.
